Guardians of the Treasured X-Box


[Weekly Writ is an entertainment project where we take story suggestions from our Your Ad-Vantage Facebook page and turn those ideas into a silly flash-fiction or commercial-style vignette every week.] 

Weekly Writ #1: Guardians of the Treasured X-Box

The onset of summer typically ushers in a strong dose of excitement for boys and girls everywhere. However, three friends found themselves sitting around a TV with an itchy cast wrapped around each of their left arms. Through unintentional coincidence all three of them had found ways to break their arm, all within the same week. So when school let out only a week later and all the other boys and girls flung themselves into varied summertime activities full of freedom and fun, while the summer crept forward with dismal indifference for these three boys.

“Can we change the channel? I really don’t want to know which type of ice cream the royal family prefers,” Josh complained from his position on the recliner.

“Fine,” Luke replied as he fingered through a stack of DVD’s with his right hand. “It looks like the only movie we haven’t already watched is Princess Bride.”

“Mark my words, I am not watching any more movies about a princess!” Mark countered.

Luke frowned. “Really man? You haven’t seen it? It’s not what you think.”

Josh shook his head. “Nah, we’ve watched so much TV my head hurts. Let’s get outside and do something.”

“There isn’t anything to do outside.” Luke held up his cast, “Remember?”

“Ah! And it itches so bad!” Mark complained, trying to scratch through the hard fibers. “I hope it doesn’t leave a permanent mark.”

Josh stood up determinedly, “Common, we were outside all the time before. Why should this stop us from having fun? We are, after all,” he paused, attempting a dramatic appeal, “Mark, Luke, and Josh, the Triumvirate rulers of Tivo, on the isle of Panasonica, guardians of the treasured X-Box.”

He raised up his left arm solemnly. The other two boys, suddenly aware that something important had begun, also stood up and raised their encased left arms forward, touching one boy’s elbow to the next boy’s hand, creating a ceremonious triangle.

The casts immediately began to glow a light blue. When the light subsided moments later their casts had hardened into arm-length gauntlets. There were no joints on these gauntlets, just a solid cast of armor from their fisted hands all the way up to their shoulder. The boys withdrew their arms and cheered: “Mark, Luke, and Josh, the Triumvirate rulers of Tivo, on the isle of Panasonica, guardians of the treasured X-Box!”

In the midst of their cheers a stout man crashed through the living room window.

“Bah! Boil! Tumble and trouble!” the man was yelling as he rolled from side to side amidst the rubble of a broken coffee table. The boys gawked at the person as he awkwardly erected himself, still spouting ‘Bah! Boil! Tumble and trouble!’ in more of a rumbling grumble than an actual yell. Now that he was standing still the boys realized he was quite like a dwarf, only his skin was white and his eyes nothing but a deep blue. And his hair! It was a pale hue that grew back, as if tied into a ponytail, only the other end swiveled back around from behind his ears and was firmly attached to the lower half of his face. This optical illusion made it impossible to tell where his hair ended and his beard began!

“Well stop staring at me and stop him!” the thing was saying as the boys regained their composure.

“Pardon me good sir,” Josh managed to say in his most polite knight-errant accent, “Would you be so good as to inform us of whom you are speaking?”

With the sound of a thunder-clap the roof lifted from its place and disappeared, to be replaced with the ugly figure of a four-eyed giant

“That! You lollipop!” the dwarf remonstrated.

“Holy Beef Macaroni!” Luke squeaked a he sheltered his head from falling debris with his gauntlet.

“This escalated quickly,” Mark remarked and began hefting his gauntlet arm from side to side in preparation for the impending activity.

The giant bellowed his challenge and plunged one of his three beefy legs into what was left of the living room.

The three boys glanced at each other with sudden understanding before shouting in unison, “Protect the treasured X-Box!”

Josh ran forward and flung his gauntlet at the tree-trunk of a leg. It bounced away from Josh’s arm with such force it toppled the giant to his two remaining knees.

Mark continued weaving his arm in a crisscross pattern until a bluish X appeared in the air before him. With a wave of his gauntlet he flung the X forward, searing the ephemeral shape into the giant’s face, blinding all four eyes.

“X marks the spot!” he shouted with a laugh.

Finally, Luke thudded his gauntlet against the ground, causing the ground beneath the giant to bulge violently upward, flinging it into the sky. It wailed its worst guttural cries as it disappeared into the distance.

“You did alright,” the surly albino conceded. “I suppose we’ll keep you around for a while.”

The treasured X-Box was safe for the moment and the boys smiled at each other with satisfaction. This was going to be a fun summer after all. A most fun summer indeed!

And thus their exploits were famous across the land. That is, until their arms healed and their casts were removed. School started a week after their arms were free once again so their imagination was put on hold while the boys utilized their precious cognitive retail toward schoolwork.



A Contrast of Colas

Altor est Clarior non Melior
[Clearly the better of two]
~A Contrast of Colas~

One, being sweet honey from the Promised Land,
The other, sandy stale manna from before we got there.
The first is a gentle melody with soft echo,
The second is nails on a chalkboard in my mouth.
The former having a perfect record all across,
The latter having a horrible history of drugs.

To be clear, this poem is in support of Pepsi! It is a funny little poem I wrote in support of one of the few brand names I enjoy frequently enough to support.

T-Shirt Review: Super Sonic Bros.

super sonic bros

In my humbly biased opinion this is a masterful combination of the greatest Nintendo/Sega games ever made: Super Mario Bros and Sonic the Hedgehog. In this world Dr. Robotnik has mechanized the Mario world baddies. Rocket-powered Koopas and steel-plated Piranha Plants nip at the heels of our heroic plumber, who has donned a new Sonic suit in order to engage this new threat. I’ll bet he found it when a chaos emerald popped out of a ? box.

The faithful sidekick Luigi gives Mario a lift with the power of his own Tails suit. They’ll have to gather both coins and golden rings in order to defeat the looming threat of Dr. Ivan RoBowser, fast approaching in the background. What better way to honor two of the best-selling game franchises of all time? I think we have the making of a new comic series. Wear this shirt as your gamer suit to show off your powers of gaming awesomeness.

Completed through a client on on 05/13.

T-Shirt Review: Teh Internets Memes

There is a conundrum every person will face.  It is the bitter-sweet moment when you find something on the internet so funny, so silly, so incredibly stupid that you MUST show someone else, yet no one else is around to see it. 

But don’t worry, brilliance is just around the corner.  Here is a shirt you can wear that contains some of the most astoundingly addicting clips of recent memory.  This way, you don’t have to seek out those who appreciate your sardonic, slapstick and satirical sense of humor (yes, all at the same time).   They will find you!  Ever wanted to know who else recognizes the Awesome Face?  Or who else knows how to speak lolz cat language?  Or gets a kick out of a dancing PBJ-loving banana?  
Here is your chance my friend.  Here is your chance.  So practice your meme quotes and show off your trivial knowledge!
Completed through a client on on 09/15/11.

T-Shirt Review: Slurm

Hello? Oh hi mom. Why do I never call? Oh common, you know that’s not true. What? What am I drinking? What does that have to do with anything? Yes, it does happen to be a can of Slurm.  Why? 

Of course I know its highly addictive, that’s their slogan.  I don’t see your point.  No, soft drinks are not going to shorten my life span.  What did you say – Slurm is made from the secretions of a Wormulon Queen’s what-now?!  You know what, I don’t care.  It’s like sausage – I don’t really want to know what’s in there.
The fact is I enjoy it, I savor it, and I am going to keep on drinking it.  Mom, you don’t have to pester me about my eating habits…a wha?  An intervention?  That is hardly necessary.  There is nothing to intervene.  Sigh. Oops, I’m loosing reception. Click.
Completed through a client on on 09/16/11.

T-Shirt Review: Pirate Pack

Avast! This be the booty ye need for all the aspirin’ sprogs out there.  The DIY Pirate Pack.  It contains all the necessary accessories to become the most dreaded freebooter of the seven seas.

Start by punching out the piratey hat.  Take out the map, compass and telescope to chart yer course.  Then pull up the anchor and spin the wheel to be on yer merry way.
On the one hand – choose between a flintlock pistol, dagger or cutlass.  On the other – decide upon a ‘handy’ hook, fork or saw.  All that’s left is to put your trusty parrot on yer shoulder, fondle yer gems, and drink up yer grog!
Don’t be a bilge rat! Separate yerself from all them landlubbers.  Smartly, me mates! This’ll be the best doubloons ye ever spent.  If ye don’t, the little lad will hang the jib till the scallywags come home!
Completed through a client on on 10/04/11.

T-Shirt Review: NES & SNES Controller

Nowadays, being a geeky gamer-nerd is to cool as Castlevania is to having a good time.  What, you don’t get the analogy? You would if you spent the eighth year of your life trying to beat Startropics with the volume down so your parents didn’t know you were playing it past your bedtime. 

Don’t roll your eyes, I learned patience through that game!  Then again, I also learned how to knock out my brother with Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.  In my defense I would also like to point out that I mastered my hand-eye coordination with Tetris, and developed problem-solving skills from the Legend of Zelda.
Now you might understand why I wear this T-Shirt with the buttons on a NES controller on the front.  No, not just for nostalgic reminiscence.  This shirt represents my childhood, my education.  In fact, last week I passed driver’s ed because of Rad Racer.
Completed through a client on on 09/15/11.